Managing your wedding guest list may be one of the most challenging aspects of wedding planning. You’re dealing with other people’s feelings here, and the last thing you want to do is upset someone by leaving them out.
Adding to the stress is both your mother and your fiancées mom are pressuring you to invite distant family members to your big day—people you haven’t seen for years.
You’re worried it’s about to get out of control, and need to do something, fast.
Take a breath, we’re here to help. Here’s everything you need to know to diffuse wedding guest list drama without upsetting anyone in the process.
Establish Boundaries Early
Before anything, it’s crucial you decide on the size of your wedding.
This is largely determined by your budget: you’ll need to have enough food, drink, and space to accommodate guests.
The average cost per guest at a wedding is around $284, and the size of the wedding is one of the biggest determining factors in the overall wedding cost.
Of course, there are ways to trim down this number, but that depends on you and your fiancée, and the type of celebration you want.
Be clear and firm about what your wedding dream is and what you can afford when discussing plans with your family.
Start Your Wedding Guest List
Creating your guest list is not usually something that happens in a single sitting. You’re bound to forget some important folks, and some of the decision making requires extra thought.
It may be helpful to create tiered lists separating your ‘must’ invites from your ‘like to’ invites.
You and your fiancée also need to figure out how you’ll decide who to invite between the two of you. Maybe it’s an equal split between families, or perhaps you decide that the person who’s contributing more financially gets to invite more people.
You also need to determine who you’d like as part of the wedding party. You probably have an idea of who you’d like your bridesmaids to be, but you need to figure out groomsmen too.
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Navigating Family Expectations
It’s important to have a chat with parents about their priority guests.
If parents are making a financial contribution to your big day, it’s up to you if you want to include their input in your guest list. Either way, establishing and communicating your boundaries with them is incredibly important.
Depending on the size of your wedding and their financial contribution, you may consider giving parents a specific number of invitations, and they can choose who to assign those to.
Again—boundaries are incredibly important. Be clear and firm—this is your wedding, and while you appreciate their suggestions and contribution, at the end of the day, you get the final say.
Be consistent and fair with your guest list policies. You don’t want to be accused of favoritism.
Be diplomatic when explaining your guest list constraints—perhaps the venue you choose has a small capacity and there’s only room for close friends and family to attend.
Specific Challenges
As you create your guest list, you’ll face other challenges: One being how you’ll address plus-ones.
If needed, create a consistent policy where only people in long-term relationships can bring a plus one—your cousin who’s always dating someone new can come on his own.
Another challenge is kids: do you want an adults-only celebration, or do you want to invite kids as well? Decide this early on, and whatever you choose, make it clear on the invitation.
Finally, many feel obligated to invite the people who invited them to their wedding, thinking that reciprocation is the fair and just thing to do. This is totally up to you. There’s no ‘rule’ here, you don’t have to invite someone just because you were invited to celebrate their big day.
Dealing with Conflict
If conflict arises, take a deep breath and listen without immediately becoming defensive.
It’s helpful to acknowledge the other person’s feelings first, before gently reminding them this is your wedding, and unfortunately, there’s just not room for everyone to attend.
You’re free to compromise, for example offer to livestream the ceremony if need be.
Most people will respect your boundaries. Often, they’re simply trying to help when offering suggestions—your wedding is a big deal, and they’re excited too!
One of the hardest aspects of wedding planning is that no matter what, you’re just not going to please everyone—pleasing everyone is impossible—and that’s okay.
Conclusion:
If you’re consistent, diplomatic, and establish boundaries you stick to early on, you’re less likely to have big blowouts or confusion muddy the rest of the wedding planning process.
